Sitting here on this early Christmas morning. Still a couple of hours away from the sun rising. My daughter is already up watching her traditional Christmas morning movies. I sit in my living room chair with a cup of coffee and just think. I love the traditions that we have formed as a family when it comes to Christmas day. Simple, but they make us uniquely us in this home.

I sit ever grateful for the 20+ years we have had in this house and watching our children grow up and think back on the many Christmas mornings we have had together. When we moved here 20 years ago, I never thought we would be here this long, but it has become home. The amazing memories we have built together as I think, especially, of the many Christmas mornings we have spent here. Watching the joy in our children as they opened gifts. The joy and fun of new family games we would play together. The background noise of A Christmas Story playing on repeat with Ralphie vying for that Red Ryder 200 shot range model air rifle. Even the one white Christmas we had some 15 years ago.

So much joy and so much to be grateful for. As we came to this Christmas, for some reason, there were days that seemed harder. There were few nights where Amber and I sat and embraced one another shed tears as we longed for our son to be back with us. We wondered in those moments why things seemed harder this year than they even did last year. Maybe because of the settled in reality that each Christmas and every going forward, there will always be that empty seat at the table, and maybe just the hearts longing for days gone by.

Even in those moments, however, we have found goodness. Getting to still spend time together as family. Our annual drives to walk around the Lawrenceville square to see the tree at the courthouse, which we have done for years. Spending time with our son’s fiancé, Courtney, which allows us all to hang on to piece of Brandon when we are all together. The joy of spending Christmas Eve worshipping with our church family and then having a dinner at home while tears shed when “It’s a Wonderful Life” comes on.

It’s interesting to think of the range of thoughts that come out when Christmas time roles around. Yes, there is the significance and importance of celebrating coming of Jesus and the anticipation of his return. Pondering those mysteries are sitting in adoration and awe of who God is and the gift he sent in the person of Jesus to ransom and set us free. This is something that I have learned to be grateful for and ponder not just on this day, but throughout the year.

From there, there seems to be something about the season that makes us miss and long for the days gone by. Holding on to precious memories that have often been associated with Christmas time, but then when precious people are missing from that equation, how that longing gets magnified. Maybe it never really goes away. For my son, Christmas was such a magical time. He loved, and I mean LOVED Christmas. It was nothing to hear him blaring Christmas music in the middle of summer. His last birthday with us, we gifted him Charlie Brown Christmas ornaments, shirts, and more. The joy on his face that day was so fun.

It’s those kinds of things that we miss, even as we continue to press forward and make new and joyful memories as a family. Riding the Polar Express train in the Smokey Mountains as a family, which he would have a loved, and the seemingly random placing of a 5th ticket in our seats, as if it was placed there for the one that was missing. It reminds me of what our pastor said last Christmas as we were together. He said that, “The family of 5 is still alive.” I believe that is still very true. Yes, we don’t have the physical presence of our boy, but we are still together in our hearts and memories, and in the stories we continue to share and tell.

This Christmas, I sit with hope. Hope for what is to come as I press closer into Jesus and remember what it means to look toward him with complete awe and wonder. Hope for the memories that we will continue to make as a family as we continue on in the day to day and with Christmas’s to come.

I also it with gratitude. Gratitude, again for the gift that is Jesus. Also, gratitude for all of the amazing memories that we get to look to and hold on to. Tears are okay to have and I can embrace them, because it reminds me that the love was and is very real and we never have to let go of that. More so, however, we can smile and laugh at all the good times we have had together over the years, which far outweigh and outnumber the times of sadness.

I pray that joy, even if you are contending with loss and sadness this year, will find its way into your heart. Hold on to the precious gift and memories of the ones we missed and toast to the memories of the joyous times. Then hold on tightly to the hope that is Jesus that can and will sustain you through everything, even when things are difficult.

Merry Christmas to you all!