Tag Archives: Grief

Christmas Pondering – 2025: Hope and Gratitude

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Sitting here on this early Christmas morning. Still a couple of hours away from the sun rising. My daughter is already up watching her traditional Christmas morning movies. I sit in my living room chair with a cup of coffee and just think. I love the traditions that we have formed as a family when it comes to Christmas day. Simple, but they make us uniquely us in this home.

I sit ever grateful for the 20+ years we have had in this house and watching our children grow up and think back on the many Christmas mornings we have had together. When we moved here 20 years ago, I never thought we would be here this long, but it has become home. The amazing memories we have built together as I think, especially, of the many Christmas mornings we have spent here. Watching the joy in our children as they opened gifts. The joy and fun of new family games we would play together. The background noise of A Christmas Story playing on repeat with Ralphie vying for that Red Ryder 200 shot range model air rifle. Even the one white Christmas we had some 15 years ago.

So much joy and so much to be grateful for. As we came to this Christmas, for some reason, there were days that seemed harder. There were few nights where Amber and I sat and embraced one another shed tears as we longed for our son to be back with us. We wondered in those moments why things seemed harder this year than they even did last year. Maybe because of the settled in reality that each Christmas and every going forward, there will always be that empty seat at the table, and maybe just the hearts longing for days gone by.

Even in those moments, however, we have found goodness. Getting to still spend time together as family. Our annual drives to walk around the Lawrenceville square to see the tree at the courthouse, which we have done for years. Spending time with our son’s fiancé, Courtney, which allows us all to hang on to piece of Brandon when we are all together. The joy of spending Christmas Eve worshipping with our church family and then having a dinner at home while tears shed when “It’s a Wonderful Life” comes on.

It’s interesting to think of the range of thoughts that come out when Christmas time roles around. Yes, there is the significance and importance of celebrating coming of Jesus and the anticipation of his return. Pondering those mysteries are sitting in adoration and awe of who God is and the gift he sent in the person of Jesus to ransom and set us free. This is something that I have learned to be grateful for and ponder not just on this day, but throughout the year.

From there, there seems to be something about the season that makes us miss and long for the days gone by. Holding on to precious memories that have often been associated with Christmas time, but then when precious people are missing from that equation, how that longing gets magnified. Maybe it never really goes away. For my son, Christmas was such a magical time. He loved, and I mean LOVED Christmas. It was nothing to hear him blaring Christmas music in the middle of summer. His last birthday with us, we gifted him Charlie Brown Christmas ornaments, shirts, and more. The joy on his face that day was so fun.

It’s those kinds of things that we miss, even as we continue to press forward and make new and joyful memories as a family. Riding the Polar Express train in the Smokey Mountains as a family, which he would have a loved, and the seemingly random placing of a 5th ticket in our seats, as if it was placed there for the one that was missing. It reminds me of what our pastor said last Christmas as we were together. He said that, “The family of 5 is still alive.” I believe that is still very true. Yes, we don’t have the physical presence of our boy, but we are still together in our hearts and memories, and in the stories we continue to share and tell.

This Christmas, I sit with hope. Hope for what is to come as I press closer into Jesus and remember what it means to look toward him with complete awe and wonder. Hope for the memories that we will continue to make as a family as we continue on in the day to day and with Christmas’s to come.

I also it with gratitude. Gratitude, again for the gift that is Jesus. Also, gratitude for all of the amazing memories that we get to look to and hold on to. Tears are okay to have and I can embrace them, because it reminds me that the love was and is very real and we never have to let go of that. More so, however, we can smile and laugh at all the good times we have had together over the years, which far outweigh and outnumber the times of sadness.

I pray that joy, even if you are contending with loss and sadness this year, will find its way into your heart. Hold on to the precious gift and memories of the ones we missed and toast to the memories of the joyous times. Then hold on tightly to the hope that is Jesus that can and will sustain you through everything, even when things are difficult.

Merry Christmas to you all!

Celebration and Grief

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In thinking about writing this, I have found myself really reflecting on what has transpired over the last year plus. At first, I was a little reluctant to even share this out, but then what good does that do to just let it sit within and the eventually fade away. The last 20 months have brought a season of immense pain and difficulty, and yet, at the same time, there is so much goodness and joy in the midst of it all.

Today, my son, Brandon, would turn 26 years old. In February 2024, when he was 24 years old, he went home to the Lord. Many reading this, may already know this and some of the story there. He had been battling illnesses for some time, and his body could not fight it any longer, and the Lord brought him home. It was, probably, the most painful thing I had experienced up to that point. I’m not going to go into every detail of that, again. You can see past writings for that or click here to watch this video from a dedication at our church on his 25th birthday.

Today, however, as I reflect on things, I sit in celebration of my son. I was pondering things yesterday morning, and I could not help but think of what an amazing gift he was to our lives and to so many he knew. He was someone who loved strong and well. We have talked about his infectious smile so much, but it was so real. It was a rare time that he wasn’t joyful, and even when things were difficult, he found joy again.

I was going through pictures on my phone the other day, as I was preparing for a men’s retreat I’m attending in West Virginia in a few days. There are so many of my family. Some that are posed of course, but even in the candid shots, I think I saw just one picture where he actually was not smiling. It says a lot about his countenance and the way he carried himself throughout his lifetime. It was not fake, either. I can honestly say that the Lord really planted that in him and he lived it out. Brandon was an amazing gift to us.

As we celebrate, today, I also think about the journey of grief that we have been on and continue to walk through. For myself and my wife, Amber, our oldest son, Shawn, and our daughter, Ashley, as well as Courtney, Brandon’s fiancé, his best friends, including Connor and Ricky, the rest of our extended family, and so many others. We all have had to journey through this story of grief from different angles, and it certainly hits each of us in unique ways. I have learned that none of us can ever tell another person how they should grieve.

For me, this was a season that left me clinging to hope, while every bit of my faith was being stretched about as far as it could possibly go, so far as I knew. For a time, I did not know which way was up. I not only lost Brandon, but then, for the second time, I had to watch Amber go through a fight for her life, 3 months later. I was completely thrown for a loop. I would be lying if never thought about throwing in the towel and giving into to the grief in a way that turned away from God.

A dear friend shared with me a dream that he had of me during this time that my Amber was clinging to life. I want to share a bit of this, because this feels very true to how things seemed play out in the spiritual realm, while we were in this battle in the physical realm.

The dream, like Job, involved Satan petitioning to God to test me. My friend could see God saying (with confidence), “No, that is my boy, there is nothing you could do to break his faith. Even if you took his boy, he will still be My boy.” So, he did and through the mourning, crying, anger, and sadness, the faith still held. Satan then says, “It wouldn’t take much now, God. He’s broken. He’s just hiding it well. Let me test him again.” God responded, “Test him all you want, HE’S MY BOY! But you’ll not take another of his loved ones.” So, Satan tested and my friend said that I stood strong and I did not break.

I do not share this to brag on faith, because believe me, there were definitely moments where I felt like I was holding on by a thread. There is an ongoing battle for our hearts. The kingdom of darkness wants very much to lead us to a place where we begin to doubt or lose faith and trust in the heart of God. Holding on to the faith and hope that we have, however, God can and will work in ways that allow you to see him at work and get to know God in ways you never did before. I stand on the backside of these events still in the process of healing, but much stronger and more faithful than I was before.

Why do I share all of this? Revelation 12:11, John writes that, “They overcame and conquered him because of the blood of the Lamb and because of the word of their testimony…” It’s simply to give hope in a world that is full of so much darkness and pain. My hope is that others can see in some way just how good God is through everything we deal with. We just have to put our full faith and trust in Him. We have been on the brink and I can pretty much guarantee that, unless Jesus returns before, we will be in the thick of suffering again. It is simply inevitable that this will happen.

I look at the progression of how God has trained me in my grief. 16 years ago, when my dad was killed in a car accident, I had no context of how to deal with grief. Oh, how I lied my way through when people asked me how I coped with it. At that time, it was simply to stuff it under the rug and keep trying to move on, even though my internal world was in complete shambles.

When Amber was severely ill and nearly died 3 years ago, I clung to my faith through it, telling God I would trust him, no matter what. When she pulled through, I was so thankful and elated. It was not until nearly a year later, however, before I could really allow myself to grieve the trauma of what she and we had gone through.

We saw my son’s health struggling over his last months and at times I’ll admit that I was angry. I’m ashamed to say that I even directed that his way at times, but the truth was that I was never angry with him. I was angry for what he had to continually suffer through. There was a deep ache in my soul that something was coming and then it did. The day we lost him, we held tightly to one another, as a family. It was devastating. He was also just over a month away from getting married, which added even more heartache to an already painful situation.

I remember siting on the edge of my bed the morning after and wailing. That was a pain that I was not ready for, but God was right there through it all. I had learned to move from asking the question, “why did this happen?” I was learning to really trust in God, and although none of it made sense, I knew he was going to now use this somehow.

Then, we see Amber get sick again. This time it seemed more dire and critical than the first time and it was. Grief was disrupted while she was in this fight and miraculously, pulled through a second time. So now, we return to the grief. What an absolute roller coaster.

Each year I pray for words for the coming year. As 2025 was approaching, God led me to Hebrews 10:35-36 where it says, “So do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord. Remember the great reward it brings you. Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God’s will. Then you will receive all that he has promised” (emphasis mine)

Patient endurance. Those were the words that I continued to feel God bring me to over and over and so I’ve sat with those all this year. It has been a practice to sit and be patient in all aspects of life and while we still walk in it, I can look at it all knowing that he has been up to good through it all. Even when I felt that I was on the brink of throwing in the towel a year ago, I endured through the strength of Christ, alone. Not my own. I had nothing to offer. It was a confident trust in Him that pulled me and us as a family through.

So, coming into 2025, and now as we celebrate Brandon’s 26th birthday, today, we can confidently see the work of Christ in the mist of all of our suffering. My hope for any of you reading this is that when, not if but when, suffering comes, you can remember a little bit of our story, and remember that even when it feels like you can’t do it anymore can’t see it while you are in it, that God is still at work and up to good. We live in a love story in the midst of a fierce battle and that battle is over each of our hearts. The heart of God is good and you can trust in Him. Trust me, it is worth it.

Blessings to you!