Category Archives: 4 Stream Blog

Christmas Pondering – 2025: Hope and Gratitude

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Sitting here on this early Christmas morning. Still a couple of hours away from the sun rising. My daughter is already up watching her traditional Christmas morning movies. I sit in my living room chair with a cup of coffee and just think. I love the traditions that we have formed as a family when it comes to Christmas day. Simple, but they make us uniquely us in this home.

I sit ever grateful for the 20+ years we have had in this house and watching our children grow up and think back on the many Christmas mornings we have had together. When we moved here 20 years ago, I never thought we would be here this long, but it has become home. The amazing memories we have built together as I think, especially, of the many Christmas mornings we have spent here. Watching the joy in our children as they opened gifts. The joy and fun of new family games we would play together. The background noise of A Christmas Story playing on repeat with Ralphie vying for that Red Ryder 200 shot range model air rifle. Even the one white Christmas we had some 15 years ago.

So much joy and so much to be grateful for. As we came to this Christmas, for some reason, there were days that seemed harder. There were few nights where Amber and I sat and embraced one another shed tears as we longed for our son to be back with us. We wondered in those moments why things seemed harder this year than they even did last year. Maybe because of the settled in reality that each Christmas and every going forward, there will always be that empty seat at the table, and maybe just the hearts longing for days gone by.

Even in those moments, however, we have found goodness. Getting to still spend time together as family. Our annual drives to walk around the Lawrenceville square to see the tree at the courthouse, which we have done for years. Spending time with our son’s fiancé, Courtney, which allows us all to hang on to piece of Brandon when we are all together. The joy of spending Christmas Eve worshipping with our church family and then having a dinner at home while tears shed when “It’s a Wonderful Life” comes on.

It’s interesting to think of the range of thoughts that come out when Christmas time roles around. Yes, there is the significance and importance of celebrating coming of Jesus and the anticipation of his return. Pondering those mysteries are sitting in adoration and awe of who God is and the gift he sent in the person of Jesus to ransom and set us free. This is something that I have learned to be grateful for and ponder not just on this day, but throughout the year.

From there, there seems to be something about the season that makes us miss and long for the days gone by. Holding on to precious memories that have often been associated with Christmas time, but then when precious people are missing from that equation, how that longing gets magnified. Maybe it never really goes away. For my son, Christmas was such a magical time. He loved, and I mean LOVED Christmas. It was nothing to hear him blaring Christmas music in the middle of summer. His last birthday with us, we gifted him Charlie Brown Christmas ornaments, shirts, and more. The joy on his face that day was so fun.

It’s those kinds of things that we miss, even as we continue to press forward and make new and joyful memories as a family. Riding the Polar Express train in the Smokey Mountains as a family, which he would have a loved, and the seemingly random placing of a 5th ticket in our seats, as if it was placed there for the one that was missing. It reminds me of what our pastor said last Christmas as we were together. He said that, “The family of 5 is still alive.” I believe that is still very true. Yes, we don’t have the physical presence of our boy, but we are still together in our hearts and memories, and in the stories we continue to share and tell.

This Christmas, I sit with hope. Hope for what is to come as I press closer into Jesus and remember what it means to look toward him with complete awe and wonder. Hope for the memories that we will continue to make as a family as we continue on in the day to day and with Christmas’s to come.

I also it with gratitude. Gratitude, again for the gift that is Jesus. Also, gratitude for all of the amazing memories that we get to look to and hold on to. Tears are okay to have and I can embrace them, because it reminds me that the love was and is very real and we never have to let go of that. More so, however, we can smile and laugh at all the good times we have had together over the years, which far outweigh and outnumber the times of sadness.

I pray that joy, even if you are contending with loss and sadness this year, will find its way into your heart. Hold on to the precious gift and memories of the ones we missed and toast to the memories of the joyous times. Then hold on tightly to the hope that is Jesus that can and will sustain you through everything, even when things are difficult.

Merry Christmas to you all!

Celebration and Grief

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In thinking about writing this, I have found myself really reflecting on what has transpired over the last year plus. At first, I was a little reluctant to even share this out, but then what good does that do to just let it sit within and the eventually fade away. The last 20 months have brought a season of immense pain and difficulty, and yet, at the same time, there is so much goodness and joy in the midst of it all.

Today, my son, Brandon, would turn 26 years old. In February 2024, when he was 24 years old, he went home to the Lord. Many reading this, may already know this and some of the story there. He had been battling illnesses for some time, and his body could not fight it any longer, and the Lord brought him home. It was, probably, the most painful thing I had experienced up to that point. I’m not going to go into every detail of that, again. You can see past writings for that or click here to watch this video from a dedication at our church on his 25th birthday.

Today, however, as I reflect on things, I sit in celebration of my son. I was pondering things yesterday morning, and I could not help but think of what an amazing gift he was to our lives and to so many he knew. He was someone who loved strong and well. We have talked about his infectious smile so much, but it was so real. It was a rare time that he wasn’t joyful, and even when things were difficult, he found joy again.

I was going through pictures on my phone the other day, as I was preparing for a men’s retreat I’m attending in West Virginia in a few days. There are so many of my family. Some that are posed of course, but even in the candid shots, I think I saw just one picture where he actually was not smiling. It says a lot about his countenance and the way he carried himself throughout his lifetime. It was not fake, either. I can honestly say that the Lord really planted that in him and he lived it out. Brandon was an amazing gift to us.

As we celebrate, today, I also think about the journey of grief that we have been on and continue to walk through. For myself and my wife, Amber, our oldest son, Shawn, and our daughter, Ashley, as well as Courtney, Brandon’s fiancé, his best friends, including Connor and Ricky, the rest of our extended family, and so many others. We all have had to journey through this story of grief from different angles, and it certainly hits each of us in unique ways. I have learned that none of us can ever tell another person how they should grieve.

For me, this was a season that left me clinging to hope, while every bit of my faith was being stretched about as far as it could possibly go, so far as I knew. For a time, I did not know which way was up. I not only lost Brandon, but then, for the second time, I had to watch Amber go through a fight for her life, 3 months later. I was completely thrown for a loop. I would be lying if never thought about throwing in the towel and giving into to the grief in a way that turned away from God.

A dear friend shared with me a dream that he had of me during this time that my Amber was clinging to life. I want to share a bit of this, because this feels very true to how things seemed play out in the spiritual realm, while we were in this battle in the physical realm.

The dream, like Job, involved Satan petitioning to God to test me. My friend could see God saying (with confidence), “No, that is my boy, there is nothing you could do to break his faith. Even if you took his boy, he will still be My boy.” So, he did and through the mourning, crying, anger, and sadness, the faith still held. Satan then says, “It wouldn’t take much now, God. He’s broken. He’s just hiding it well. Let me test him again.” God responded, “Test him all you want, HE’S MY BOY! But you’ll not take another of his loved ones.” So, Satan tested and my friend said that I stood strong and I did not break.

I do not share this to brag on faith, because believe me, there were definitely moments where I felt like I was holding on by a thread. There is an ongoing battle for our hearts. The kingdom of darkness wants very much to lead us to a place where we begin to doubt or lose faith and trust in the heart of God. Holding on to the faith and hope that we have, however, God can and will work in ways that allow you to see him at work and get to know God in ways you never did before. I stand on the backside of these events still in the process of healing, but much stronger and more faithful than I was before.

Why do I share all of this? Revelation 12:11, John writes that, “They overcame and conquered him because of the blood of the Lamb and because of the word of their testimony…” It’s simply to give hope in a world that is full of so much darkness and pain. My hope is that others can see in some way just how good God is through everything we deal with. We just have to put our full faith and trust in Him. We have been on the brink and I can pretty much guarantee that, unless Jesus returns before, we will be in the thick of suffering again. It is simply inevitable that this will happen.

I look at the progression of how God has trained me in my grief. 16 years ago, when my dad was killed in a car accident, I had no context of how to deal with grief. Oh, how I lied my way through when people asked me how I coped with it. At that time, it was simply to stuff it under the rug and keep trying to move on, even though my internal world was in complete shambles.

When Amber was severely ill and nearly died 3 years ago, I clung to my faith through it, telling God I would trust him, no matter what. When she pulled through, I was so thankful and elated. It was not until nearly a year later, however, before I could really allow myself to grieve the trauma of what she and we had gone through.

We saw my son’s health struggling over his last months and at times I’ll admit that I was angry. I’m ashamed to say that I even directed that his way at times, but the truth was that I was never angry with him. I was angry for what he had to continually suffer through. There was a deep ache in my soul that something was coming and then it did. The day we lost him, we held tightly to one another, as a family. It was devastating. He was also just over a month away from getting married, which added even more heartache to an already painful situation.

I remember siting on the edge of my bed the morning after and wailing. That was a pain that I was not ready for, but God was right there through it all. I had learned to move from asking the question, “why did this happen?” I was learning to really trust in God, and although none of it made sense, I knew he was going to now use this somehow.

Then, we see Amber get sick again. This time it seemed more dire and critical than the first time and it was. Grief was disrupted while she was in this fight and miraculously, pulled through a second time. So now, we return to the grief. What an absolute roller coaster.

Each year I pray for words for the coming year. As 2025 was approaching, God led me to Hebrews 10:35-36 where it says, “So do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord. Remember the great reward it brings you. Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God’s will. Then you will receive all that he has promised” (emphasis mine)

Patient endurance. Those were the words that I continued to feel God bring me to over and over and so I’ve sat with those all this year. It has been a practice to sit and be patient in all aspects of life and while we still walk in it, I can look at it all knowing that he has been up to good through it all. Even when I felt that I was on the brink of throwing in the towel a year ago, I endured through the strength of Christ, alone. Not my own. I had nothing to offer. It was a confident trust in Him that pulled me and us as a family through.

So, coming into 2025, and now as we celebrate Brandon’s 26th birthday, today, we can confidently see the work of Christ in the mist of all of our suffering. My hope for any of you reading this is that when, not if but when, suffering comes, you can remember a little bit of our story, and remember that even when it feels like you can’t do it anymore can’t see it while you are in it, that God is still at work and up to good. We live in a love story in the midst of a fierce battle and that battle is over each of our hearts. The heart of God is good and you can trust in Him. Trust me, it is worth it.

Blessings to you!

Taking The Low Seat

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What a unique season this has been for me; and for my family, for that matter. We have walked through waters that we were not ever expecting nor ready for, well, by the world’s standards we weren’t ready. We were ready in a different way, because that is the only way we have been able to get through.

In recent weeks, I have found myself returning to teachings that I found myself under during the early years of my faith. Back in 2016, I was invited to take part in a weekend event called Become Good Soil. This was a follow-up to my time at Wild at Heart the previous year and was a more intimate gathering of men. This weekend was a starting point for what would be and has been a decade plus of excavation. A time to commit to allowing God to continue to excavate the deepest parts of our hearts that have not gone well or were maybe atrophied and allow God to work in that space to rebuild us with solid roots or a solid foundation.

Now, nearly a decade later, I have found myself looking at what this time has been like. There has certainly been a lot of God things that have happened. I have been blessed to lead a ministry movement, counsel and walk with many people, and build many new friendships and alliances with many like-hearted people. It was certainly a fruitful time. In recent years, it has been very different. This week will be 2 years since leading our last men’s conference, The Anvil. After my son, Brandon, died last year, and then my wife, Amber, coming close to death a few months later, I found myself in a place where leading such an event would be a total disservice to the men that would come and to me. I could not lead with integrity when I was and am in the midst of such difficult times.

At the beginning of 2024, as I praying and asking God for words for the new year, the word “low seat” kept coming to my mind. At the time, I wasn’t sure what God was meaning by that, but I sat with it. I was and am in season of humbling, career wise, doing what has been necessary to make an income to support our home, while doing work as a delivery driver. It has been a necessary and humbling experience as well as a period of time to allow myself to reset. As Francis of Assisi is credited with stating, “We are to start with what is necessary, and in time we find ourselves doing what is possible, and in time and over time we will find ourselves doing what is impossible.”

So back to low seat. From a scripture standpoint, it takes me to Luke 14 where in verse 8, Jesus says, “When you are invited by someone to a wedding feast, do not sit down at the place of honor, since a more distinguished person than you may have been invited by the host.” Moving to verse 10-11 he says, “But when you are invited, go and sit down at the last place, so that when your host comes, he will stay to you, ‘Friend, move up higher’; and then you will be honored in the presence of all who are at the table with you. For everyone who exalts himself ill be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted.”

So why does this stick out and what does this have to do with Become Good Soil and my time there in 2016. Well, one of the teachings that I received that weekend, came in simple statement. “Take the lowest seat until God makes it impossible to do otherwise.” It’s a statement of humility. Being willing to take a step back and not be “The man,” so to speak, until God makes it impossible to stay in that place and invites you further up and further in.

For several years, even as an early believer, I was, for lack of a better term, the man. I was the one leading the movement. Getting men out of their place of comfort and challenging them to venture into frontier waters in their walk with God. As part of an ally movement of ministry leaders, I have often been referred to as a General in the movement. There has been so much good in that space, and I am thankful to have been and still be part of an alliance of Kingdom world changers.

Now, don’t  read or hear what is not being said here. This was never anything that I sought out. It was all a God thing and God was in it. If you know me, personally, and especially before I really came to faith, you will agree that leading anything like this was way outside of anything you would think I would do. Just the idea of standing in front of people and speaking, my heart would race, and I began to drip with sweat. Even sitting down in one-to-one conversations would bring such a response. I often felt very disqualified. You would never see me in such a place, willingly. When God was in the picture, it became the thing I could not help but do. It was too important, I felt, and I allowed God to train me in it. It was training by fire, so to speak.

These days, as I have sat with those words of taking the low seat, I realized that this was that time. I have had the honor to kickstart a movement, but for the season, it has been necessary to step back. It hasn’t been the season to build and move to the next event or bring things to the next level. This has not come without difficulty. I am often asked about the next event, etc. Being willing to say not yet and be comfortable with that response has taken continued practice. This also applies to my daily work, as I have been resetting doing the necessary thing to get by, while this refining continues. I don’t think it is any coincidence that this is in the same season.

Willingly stepping back is not something that comes natural to so many. For men, especially, I think we have it in us to build; to kingdom (small k) build. Sometimes we are forced to step back when those kingdoms come crumbling down, whatever that looks like for different individuals. This is all part of our refinement and the journey of becoming more as God intended us to be.

Take the lowest seat until God makes it impossible to do otherwise. Until God makes it impossible to stay in that seat. With all the trials we have endured, I have found myself asking often of God, what next? Where are you leading me and my family next? The next thing may not be the next ministry movement or returning to The Anvil weekend. I don’t know. What I do know and what I keep being reminded of is that for now, we wait. As I prayed through words for 2025, God reaffirmed that need to wait for him. I’ll share those words another time.

In the meantime, I will continue pressing forward and waiting patiently for God. I sit with a grateful heart because I know this is a part of my becoming and only God’s goodness can and will come through it all, whatever that looks like. It may not always be fun, but I will humbly embrace the low seat while I’m in it.

Now, this does not mean checking out either. I’m grateful for the community of men, locally and nationally, that I get to be connected and do life with. I’m thankful for the brothers that continue to gather around my fire pit on Tuesday evenings as we process life and sharpen one another. I grateful for the council of allies I get to stay connected with and serve with as part of the mission of going after the hearts of men. We will keep going as God’s refining continues.

Processing Through Suffering and Struggle

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What do you do when it feels like God is waking you from your sleep to talk? Some mornings, I will have to admit, I will lay there and maybe go back to sleep. This morning, that was impossible, so here I am.

It has been 5 years since I have shared anything in this way. I have written off and on, but did not feel like anything was ready to be shared. This morning felt different. I have always felt it was important to be open and vulnerable about things of consequence in my life. 10 years ago, when I really began to walk with Jesus, the Holy Spirit was doing a real work and I couldn’t help but share what was going on. There was post after post, which helped me to process my own thoughts as I was growing my journey. In recent years that has been different. I have written some, but it never felt like it was the time to share those things. It became, what my friend Morgan calls, the hidden years, to some degree.

Now what do you do when it feels like everything in your life has been under assault? This is a part of processing that journey.

Where to even begin. Life comes in waves as we all know. There are good times and bad times. The early years of my faith journey, as I look back were certainly some good times. These last couple of years, however, have turned into some very turbulent times, not just for me, but for my family as whole. Trying to make sense of it all, and maintain faith and hope has come with so much struggle.

This week, we will mark the 1 year anniversary of the death of my son, Brandon. We lost him on February 27, 2024. He was just 24 years-old when he passed. He had significant health challenges over the last 11 years of his life with Type-1 diabetes and in his last 5 years, the addition of what’s called Addison’s Disease. Over the last months of his life, it was taking a significant toll on him with multiple trips to the hospital. Then on the day he passed, he went into sudden cardiac arrest at his apartment that he and our other son, Shawn, shared. Despite all efforts, he could not be revived.

We all remember the day like it was just yesterday. Brandon stayed home from work that day, because wasn’t feeling great. Thought he just needed to rest it off. By the time Shawn came home, he had a hard time getting to of bed. Amber and I had both spoken to him by phone that day and he assured us that he was feeling better as the day progressed. Shawn went to call 911, because it was clear Brandon needed some medical attention. He helped Brandon get up and then he just collapsed and he stopped breathing. I cannot even begin to imagine what that was like for Shawn as he tried CPR and waited for paramedics to arrive.

Amber and I were both working. I have been working as a delivery driver for a few months at the time to make a stable income for bit. I remember the house I was delivering at when Amber called to frantically tell me that Brandon had stopped breathing. She closed her store immediately and headed to the hospital while I frantically headed back to our station a half hour away to return my work van and head to the hospital. Those moments felt like an eternity. It took her an hour and me an hour and a half to get to the hospital where Shawn had been waiting by himself with no news. Brandon’s fiancée, Courtney, arrived as well with her sister and we waited. More family began to arrive, Amber’s dad Dennis, my brothers and sister, our pastors wife, Barb, with more to follow. Then the doctors asked for just immediate family, first, so Amber, Shawn, Courtney, and I waited together.  Our daughter, Ashley, was on her way from North Carolina where she lives.  Then they told us the news. His heart had gone into a fatal rhythm and despite everything they tried, they could not get him back. The shock was instantaneous as I looked at Amber’s face, Shawn’s, and Courtney’s. Nothing could prepare you for that moment.

They brought us back to the room where Brandon was and let us go in. That’s an image that I will never forget. To see him laying there with no life in him. Amber and Courtney came to each side as the emotions came through. I just remember saying, “My boy…my boy.” I remember hugging Shawn and then left them after a little bit to tell everyone else that was waiting. That was one of the longest nights. My pastor and friend, Tim arrived and I collapsed in his arms. More friends arrived and I am so thankful as they were just there to love on us. Ashley arrived and took her straight into the consultation room with Shawn. We sat down on the floor and I told her the news she didn’t want to hear, but was afraid would be true. I remember seeing the tears in her eyes and she just saying, “He is still good. He is still good.”

This was and still is a very hard thing to contend with. Brandon was a young man that loved life and was always filled with so much joy. He had a strong belief and love for Jesus and you could see it in him. His celebration of life was a testament to him, as hundreds packed our church. On his 25th birthday, this past October, our family was afforded an incredible honor, as our church renamed our student center building in his honor, The Brandon Clinton Student Center. It was a place where he flourished in his faith growth.

His loss, for us, however, has left a significant hole. For Amber and me, our other kids, Shawn and Ashley, and Courtney, among other family and friends. How do you process and recover from all of this? I have shared in public and private that our faith has been a big part of this and that still hold true. At the same time, this has been the most horrific and trying experience we have had to walk through. As Amber and I sat together in our bedroom last night talking, she commented, that it’s like we’re still waiting to wake up from this nightmare. Even a year later, it is so hard to believe that this has become our reality. The loss of a son, brother, grandson, fiancée, and friend.

It has been a traumatic time. A little over 2 years ago, I had front row seat to watch my wife go through the fight of her life, and only through a miracle survive. Just 3 months after we lost Brandon, the same thing happened all over again, as Amber crashed and nearly died in the summer of 2024, and spent 6 weeks in the hospital, miraculously surviving again.

What I’m sharing here will be from own perspective. We all process in different ways, this is mine.

As a man, husband, and father, I have always tried to keep things together and be strong for my family. For much of the last 8 years, I have worked taught men about the significance of walking in their true identity and leading and loving their families and well. It was a calling that, just a month before Brandon’s death I shared to a group of guys, is the thing that I cannot help but do. It is wild, how such significant events can really get you to look at things in a different light.

How do you move forward, when it seems everything you hold dear is under assault? I’m not one who cries much, but I remember the morning after we lost Brandon, waking up and sitting on the side of my bed and beginning to wail like I don’t think I ever had before. As a man, I still feel that there is a need to be strong for my family, but in all honesty, I have never felt weaker in my life. It is a feeling like I have nothing to offer and bring to the dance. Maybe there’s a strength in that. As Paul wrote, he boasted in his weakness. It’s where the strength of Christ can come through. I certainly believe that to be true, and maybe one day I will be able to look back and see that with more clarity. Right now, in the middle of it, it certainly is challenging to see that way, at times.

What is wild, is that this feeling of weakness is not just from the trauma of the loss of my son and near loss of my wife. Those events, themselves, are enough to take anyone out. It has felt like a compounding effect from those events, to job loss and career uncertainty, to the financial strain of major car issues, medical debt, and other things. I know the car thing seems minor, but when it surrounds and is in the middle of these events, it is very visible and weighty. You get that feeling of, what next?

So here I am. It is early 2025 and I continue to try to make sense of everything that has happened. I don’t know where life is going from here. We have a void in our lives that can’t be filled by anything on this side of eternity. I also live with a worry of seeing my wife go through another medical crisis. I try not to stay there, but when you have seen it twice in less than 2 years, it is hard to not be front of mind.

I don’t know why I’ve shared all of this, other than just to be real about where I am. In the day-to-day, I am okay for the most part, but when the weight come back or memories surface, then I am not as okay. I think, as a family, that’s how we are most days.

I wrestle with what is God up to next. This struggle and suffering can’t be for nothing. I have learned the importance of not wasting your pain, so where is all of this leading? I shared in a video last year that it would be nice if God would just open a book for me and share that this is what he is doing with this, but I know it does not work that way. There are just some things that will remain a mystery and when it is time to be revealed, it will be. Until then, all I can do is sit with eager anticipation and expectation of God’s goodness. I know He is still up to good in all of this.

I’m part of a group of men that is going through my friend Michael Thompson’s book, King Me, together. We gather on Zoom every Thursday morning with men from the around the country. It has been a helpful exercise to regain some sense of focus, even when filled with so many questions. This past week, one of the questions posed in the book was, “Do we really want to become the sons of God?” In other words, do we really want this life with Jesus? Some give a half-hearted ‘yes,’ others a resounding ‘yes.’ The thing that flashed in my mind as I read that was, “Count the cost.” If we are saying yes, do we really know the cost of what that yes can mean? Are we ready to participate in the sufferings of Christ? How often do we really think about what real suffering can look like, until we go through it. We’re not the first and we won’t be the last, so we have to, as believers, be willing to really go there and process this question. How will we respond? We have a choice.

On Brandon’s birthday, when we did the student center dedication, I was given the honor to speak to our church and share some of this journey. I referenced the verse John 16:33. It is a verse that has been front of mind to me for many years. Jesus says here, “I have told you this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.” This verse stuck out because while I was early in my faith journey, I often wondered how I would respond when things got really hard. What would those trials look like and how would my faith endure? These are important questions to ask, whether you are in it or this is frontier to you.

For me, there are days where it feel like, “Okay, I’ve got this. Jesus is in it, we will be okay.” Other days, I feel like I want to just yell at the top of my lungs in anger and frustration. How much can one man take? Remember I’m just writing from my own perspective here.

As Amber was fighting for her life for the second time, I remember sharing with some close friends that my heart is really heavy. I honestly did not know if I would be able to endure this again, let alone still grieve my son. If would have lost Amber, then, I would like to say I would be able to lean into my faith, but I don’t know if I could have handled that. There was a point where worry began to fill the doctors faces when she had been on life support for over a week and was still not showing signs of improvement. I sat in the chapel at the hospital in tears and scared to death of this being a strong possibility. But God showed up as little by little she began to show some improvements. Over the coming weeks she recovered and I was able to bring her home and she is doing well again.

This season of life has carried more weight than I ever imagined facing, especially in such short period of time. You’re never prepared to lose a child and to face everything else we have faced, it is honestly amazing we are still going. It’s all God and I don’t say that lightly. There’s reason for it all and He’s not done with me or us. I’ll share more as I feel prompted, but in the meantime, we’ll keep going.

The Process of Still Becoming

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It’s been quite a while since I have posted any blogs posts to this site. To say the last year has been a wild ride would definitely be an understatement of immense proportions. I’ve done a lot of writing, but have been holding it to myself for the time being. That has been a fun project to take on, but one I definitely have not wanted to rush, and the work continues.

Since my last post, I have gone through the loss of job, rather, the career I’ve known most of my adult life. We’ve experienced loss in our family, health scares for a child, and a lot of uncertainty. It’s been a time where I, along with my wife, have spent a lot of time asking God what He is up. Learning to more and more lean on Him to guide us, learning to continually trust Him. He has been right there through it all. I write today, as I process what He continues to do and looking back on where I have sought to become more rooted in God, and even where I that has gone sideways when my false-self has continued to get in the way. Today, I look back on 4 years ago, when I first committed to a decade of allowing God to excavate the deepest places of my heart and life. A life that is all about continue to become.

Morgan Snyder explains that “becoming a generalist is to name the universal qualities God has set within our masculine soul into partner with him in the restoration of every one of these qualities so whatever we find ourselves and whoever we find ourselves with, the world can rest knowing that what it will encounter and benefit from is, first and foremost, a man… The world loves to champion the pursuit of are unique calling, vocation, gifting, and contributions to the world… But what if, before we can ever walk out the particular expression of God in us, we must 1st walk out the general expression of God in us?”



The idea if being a generalist has been in my mind lately and brought up again as I dive through his new book. Becoming a King. God has shown me a lot in this realm over time, since I went to Intensive 4 years ago, when I was just over a year into this surrendered life with God. There I first committed to a decade of allowing God to begin excavating my heart as a man, at the deepest levels. I first heard the concept of being a generalist then, and I think I limited what that even met. Now God is opening up new interpretation through this season of life.

I have been comfortable and secure in my vocational specialty for many years, but since choosing this decade, God has certainly been deconstructing that in me. Painful, yet oh so good. He “rescued” me from my security last year and asked me, again, if I was serious about following him, would I trust him when what I have always known was now gone. You want to talk about a complete and overnight shift! But, it has allowed me to try things from working on a wood project for the first time, baking, which I’ve loved, continue writing, various projects like clearing trees in my yard, and even now, stepping into a role where I now take the lowest seat, where trusting him is all I can do. It’s been a continued reorientation and excavation.

I’m pushing 42 and 4 years into this decade and I will be 47 at the end of this decade. My youngest child just graduated high school, so I see time slipping, in front of my eyes. Something Alex Burton with Ransomed Heart said in this week’s podcast resonated so true for me, when God asked him, “What if you commit to this and then after a decade, you pass way? Would it be worth it?” I have come realize that thoughts of my own mortality have come into question as I’ve had friends and peers close in age already die from heart attacks and such. So in that sense, I felt like I needed to rush in, and when things went sideways, I felt paralyzed, not knowing how to interpret what was happening.

But God, in His goodness, reminded me that this is still a process. That it takes time to become the man God had in mind when he meant me. The generalist is still in the making. The pictures are a few of my projects, including the tree I planted ahead of Intensive in 2016, and how it looks today along with the 2 additional trees that have been planted since then, becoming more rooted with time. I’m still becoming, and to answer the question God asked Alex, YES, it would definitely be worth it. I don’t know where God will lead next, but I follow with a heart that grows fuller and becomes more whole with each passing day.

It’s been quite a journey. Here more about how God is moving in my life, through my Firepit Conversations on YouTube. You can go to deeprootsministries.org/whats-happening or directly to YouTube Here. It’s been another journey into trying new things as a part of becoming a generalist. I hope to keep this page more active as we move into the future and I look forward to sharing more of my writing project very soon as it continues to unfold.

Set Like Stone

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This has been trying a season.  As I wrote in the last couple weeks, I really felt God shaking the ground under my feet to get my attention.  With circumstances as they are right now, and not having the margin I had to pursue the hearts of others the way I had hoped, this week, I found myself very discouraged.  That feeling of, “how will I get out of this situation?”  I realized what the evil one was trying to do with that, so it has taken deeper prayer just to fight off agreements with that.

This morning, I sit down at my desk, flip open my Bible and it is open right to Isaiah 50.  I focus in and verse 7 sticks out like a sore thumb. Out of the NLT, “Because the Sovereign Lord helps me, I will not be disgraced. Therefore I have sent my face like stone, determined to do His will.” 

I have read this verse before, and it is even marked with a pen in my hard copy Bible.  Not sure when I did that.  Anyway, as I pondered that verse, it just wrecked me.  God reminded me this morning, that despite this season and the challenges with trying to overcome it, He is with me.  With that being said, I can charge forward, no matter what the world says or does around me and continue to do His will.

For me, I find myself thinking how do I continue to press forward in my calling and the mission God has laid before me?  I know and have to remember that in spite of seasons, He is with me, and I can, as Isaiah wrote, set my face like stone, and drive forward.  In ToBeToldthis chapter, Isaiah is talking about being determined to be obedient to the Lord and pursuing the mission the Lord gave Him.  In verse 5, “The Sovereign Lord has spoken to me, and I have listened.”

I’m reading Dan Allender’s book, “To Be Told.”  Actually, just really started and finished Chapter 1 yesterday.  I don’t consume books fast.  Anyway, near the end, Dan spoke to calling.  He said, “We give Him much greater glory when we are aware of our calling, live intentionally, and live with passion.  That’s how we coauthor our own story…our calling always seems associated with the name God gives each one of us.”  Gary Barkalow, in his book, “It’s Your Call,” talks about calling and how it is the glory and weightiness that each of us carry, uniquely, as God’s image bearers.  It’s how we uniquely bear His image.itsyourcall-zoom_grande

All of this is reminding me and filling me with a determination to drive forward.  It’s funny that this came up in conversation last weekend. At the Wild at Heart Boot Camp in 2015, I was asking God what names he had for me.  What was my true name.  The image of King Arthur at the round table kept coming into mind.  At the time, it was weird, but I still wrote it down. Nearly 5 years later, that is coming into reality and a conversation while working with brothers on our ministry outpost reminded me of that.

I know I’m all over the place, but I share that to say that this was a reminder of who God has said I am.  Who I am leading and how I am leading.  In remembering that identity and in my place as His son through Jesus Christ, I still have a mission ahead of me.  Despite the current circumstances and the feeling of bursting at the seams with the desire to press forward, I can stay ground in who God has said I am and remember that He is with me and because of that, though the season may be exhausting, I can press forward.

Right now, as I write this, I feel Jesus saying, “this is the truth of who you are and what I have gifted you with.”  I believe part of that’s in writing, which has come up in conversations over and over again.  Perhaps there’s something here again.  If you followed this page for any length of time, you know that I used to write like crazy on it.  I believe there is more than writing in my mission, but this is a significant part of it all.  We’ll see.  I’ll just trust in whatever He wants to do with it all and leave the outcomes to Him.

He’s done this before, but God always, simply, amazes me.  The way He still speaks to us and through us.  In devotional this morning, I was reminded that “Jesus is always closing the distance. The encounters of the Gospels are intimate. Why do we feel we must help Jesus set that mistake right by pushing Him off a bit with reverent language and lofty tones?….this isn’t how God chose to relate to you.”  This is from Restoration Year from John Eldredge.  Definitely recommend.

It’s wild…I felt this morning filled me with new life again, especially from where I was feeling.  It’s a choice we must make and I am constantly reminded of that.  Will I choose to trust in Him and live out who God created me to be or will I allow the assault and lies that tell me I must just settle with “reality” and stay complacent.  No, I choose to give God my ‘Yes,’ and I will set my face like stone, as Isaiah wrote, and press forward in the mission laid before me.

 

Shaking Under My Feet

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There have been a lot of good things that have happened these last few years.  2 years ago, I completed my Counseling Masters and have been working with people the last 3 years.  That has been very fruitful and challenging all at the same time.  At the same time, I partnered with some brothers to begin leading weekend men’s boot camps (not your normal retreat).  During all this time, I’ve held on the work that I’ve been in the last 14 years.  Needless to say, it’s been a very busy time.

My desire these last years, has been to transition to be able to minster and counsel with people on a full-time basis.  Of course, there is still the responsibility of providing for my family and ensuring we keep a roof over our heads, etc.  With that, it was essential to continue my full-time job.  Thankfully, by and large, it has been good to be there and I’ve enjoyed the team I’ve worked with.  At the same time, they’ve been very gracious to allow me flexibility to pursue my hearts desire as well.

With that, I can honestly say, that there was not a major strategy on how to move and I feel I became comfortable in the routines, even in the busyness.  A few weeks back, things were shifted, where I had to put counseling work on hold for a time.  That was very difficult, especially with some of the folks I’ve worked with for some time and the work we were doing.

With the changes, I’ve had to do some serious introspective and spent a great deal of time seeking God for discernment and wisdom.  I also received some wonderful counsel from trusted brothers and allies.  With all of that, it seemed God was telling me, “you’ve gotten a little comfortable.  What are you going to next?  Nothing is going to be dropped in your lap.”  Seems like good wisdom from my dad.  “You’ve got to work for it.”  Looking back, it definitely seems that after finishing the Masters degree and that pressure falling away, I allowed things to cruise and stay status quo.

Now this year, some big moves have been made.  From the continued growth of our retreats, we have since a established a new ministry called Deep Roots Ministry.  This gives a vehicle to manage these retreats and provide even more to the people we reach as God moves us forward.  At the same time, things overall, stayed the same.  Some planning toward the ministry, but everything else stayed status quo.

So now what?  As was mentioned, a point was reached where the things I’d been working for had to be put on hold. At first, I did not know what to do.  So many thoughts raced through my mind.  Should do this or that?  Should I take a sabbatical or continue on?  What was the right thing?

After many days of praying through this and having some really good conversations with my wife and trusted brothers, it became clear what was needed.  I was able to step back, see the bigger picture and began to lay out a plan to make the changes with time and without making hasty decisions.  Slow and steady and strategic.

What was even more wild and all I could do was laugh and tell God “I hear you,” was that the very next day, we received our 501(c)3 approval for our ministry, which cleared the way to seek financial partners and so on.

Isn’t disruption such a key way in which God works?  You see story after story in Scripture and we’ve seen in play out in moderns days of people who God disrupted in some way to get our attention and follow Him.  It took losing the most important man in my life a decade ago to get my attention the first time.  Now it seems he’s gotta shake the ground under my feet again.  It would seem that this is often needed.  In our day-to-day lives, there is so much going on, that often times we get pulled into routines that keep us from really seeing what is on the horizon and thinking how to get there.

What I’m reminded of, also, is that this is all a continued opportunity to build deeper union with God.  That through our trials and uncertainties we can endure because of the promised hope of Jesus Christ.  As Paul writes, in Romans 5 that “suffering produces endurance, endurance produces character, and character produces hope.”  So God is continuing to try lead us and train us up through these things.  Yes, God gives us more than we can handle, but he does not give more than He can handle.  Anytime we encounter these moments we have to ask, “Okay, God, what are you trying to tell me here?”  It’s okay to stop and ask Him.  You never know what He may be up to.

Distraction or Calculation

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A friend set it best the other day. “2019 has been unique.”  We’re only at the end of March and it feels like a years worth of things have already happened.  When I last wrote in January, I was in a place of excitement for what I knew God was beginning to open up and what we were stepping into.  By February and into March, it seemed that their was so much opposition being thrown our way.  In February, my middle son ends up in the hospital following a diabetic seizure and then two weeks to the day after that, my mother in-law steps into eternity.  Now, I won’t get into all of the other details around those things, because so much more was involved, but my wife Amber was at a breaking point and I was doing all I could do to hold her together and comfort her through this.  It was a chaotic perfect storm.

At the same time, some of my closest friends were being drawn through the wringer with their own battles.  It was this unending, unwavering assault that was designed with one specific purpose.  To take us out and to draw us away from the heart of God.  The events were fierce and the messages behind them were so deep and dark.  They could only be one thing. The enemy at work.

I’m thankful that my wife and I have been able to recognize what it was, and have deepened our prayer through it.  It hasn’t taken away the pain, but it keeps us in a place where still turn everything over to God, no matter what is being thrown our way.

AnvilLast week, in the midst of all this craziness, we held our 5th Anvil Men’s Boot Camp.  In the days leading up, I didn’t know how ready I would be.  The men that facilitate with me were each struggling with their own junk and worried about even leaving their worlds and going.  What was wild was, in the midst of it, I didn’t think I was ready for the teaching load I was about to deliver, but it all flowed so much better than in the past and I carried it, with what one man said, with greater passion than before.

Granted, it would be easy to say that, “well, it’s your 5th go at it, Richard, of course, it’s going to get smoother each time.”  Yes, there is truth in that, but I really felt that God’s hand was in that weekend and a space was made available for the Holy Spirit to work in mighty ways.  You know why?  I believe, it’s because I didn’t have time to think and think and think on this weekend and what I was going to deliver and how the men would respond.

So it gives me pause to all of that has been going on.  We know, hands down, that the warfare we’ve been through, in the spiritual and physical, was not caused by God.  What has been readily apparent, however, is that through it all, God’s hand has been at work.  This really started to become clear over the course of our weekend.  There was a smoothness with the flow and teaching that was very different.  I realized that God used all that had happened in a way that gave me and the team no choice in it, but to just surrender it all to Him.  I mean really surrender.

I’ve had days when counseling with people where I’ve felt I have had nothing to offer.  Where stresses and other things were overwhelming my thoughts and I didn’t think I could really do much to help anyone.  It was in those moments that God would remind me that “you don’t have anything, but I do.”  The same held true here.  There was nothing we really had to offer here, so all we could do is cry out to God and give it all to Him in a way that I don’t think we really had before.  It made for a beautiful weekend with these men and led to some huge breakthroughs in the hearts of men that were there.  Because we got out of the way.

I was at one point using the word distraction to describe all that had happened.  Yes, the enemy was trying to distract us.  But what I really saw was the calculation of God through it all to use what was going on.  The good and bad to bring greater glory to Him.  What Paul wrote in Romans 8:28 was and is absolutely true, “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose.”  This is the absolute truth and we’ve seen it play out.

So this is my challenge to you.  Are you in the way of allowing God to work?  Despite the craziness that this world may throw in your way, what can you do to better surrender your will, fully, to Him, and do as we did, get out of the way.

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The Men of the Spring 2019 Anvil Men’s Boot Camp

Giving God Your ‘Yes’

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Last weekend, I was blessed with the opportunity to spend a weekend with ministry allies.  It was a weekend filled with men who were moving on the same mission God has led me and lead ministry movements in different capacities.  It was such fruitful time of getting to have good conversation with like-hearted men and even get an opportunity to reflect with God on where I am in my own journey personally and in this mission of going after the hearts of others.

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As I think back over this weekend and getting to hear from men from different backgrounds, including men like Michael Thompson, who authored The Heart of a Warrior and Gary Barkalow, who authored It’s Your Call.  Yes, I name dropped a little.  What was stirred in my heart is these are men that did a simple, yet very difficult thing for many of us.  Each of us have given God our “Yes.”  So many of us were compelled at one point or another, many from the Wild at Heart Boot Camps and also The Heart of a Warrior Encounters.  They were compelled to do something; to go after the hearts of others.

Think about this for a minute.  Have you given God your ‘Yes.’  There is a calling on every one of our lives to allow this world to feel the full weight of who we are as image bearers of God.  So often, we live our lives uncertain of where we are and what we are doing.  We may hear God calling us out, but we are afraid to move.  Giving him your ‘Yes’ doesn’t mean your going to go through a career change and move to full-time ministry.  What it means is that you are willing to step-up and step-out into a life with God, following wherever he may lead, allowing God to begin train you up as his son or daughter, and no matter where you are step into the fight for the hearts of others.  We are all, ALL, commanded to be in this fight in some way.

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If you’ve been reading my posts these last years, you know a little bit of my own story to say “Yes.”  It began 4 years ago this month.  For the first 36 years of my life I was uncertain of myself, I was disoriented and not sure of where I was going.  In January 2015, I was asked by God, yes God spoke to me, if I would be willing to follow Him into the unknown and trust Him fully.  While snowshoeing at 10,000 feet, I looked over the valley and surrounding snow covered mountains and gave God my ‘Yes.’

From that moment, that day, it was on.  First, I was compelled to come home and do something.  I could not stay disengaged anymore.  God began to train me

and grow me in ways I never expected.  I also made it a commitment to no longer walk through life alone and isolated as so many men still do.  It’s been a radical call into something I never once thought I would be engaged in.itsyourcall-zoom_grande

So think about this for yourself.  Have you truly given God your ‘Yes?’  Have you answered to call to begin to live out the truth of who you are as God’s image bearer? As Gary Barkalow wrote, we all have a glory, a weightiness and splendor about us that reflects piece of God’s glory.  That says something very deep about who we are and we have to be willing to receive that.  John Eldredge wrote in Wild at Heart for each of us to let the world feel the full weight of who we are and let them deal with it.

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So, I want you to truly think about this for your own life.  Even take some time to take this God.  Where have I not given you my ‘yes,’ God?  What will this look like for my life to say ‘Yes?’

Take some time and truly think about this.  Saying ‘Yes’, is big deal, and there no such thing as maybe.  One think we need to be ready for as well, with saying ‘Yes’ is that it will be messy.  There will be very messy moments along the journey where you stumble.  I certainly have and will continue to do so.  It’s a part of God training us up.  We also become huge trouble for the Enemy.  They one who wants to draw our hearts away from God.  That will bring more of a mess to your life as you dig out your foxholes and engage in the fight.

Will you choose to give God your ‘Yes?’  Will you choose to answer the call to live out who your are, truly?  I promise you that this is a journey that is will worth it.  If you are uncertain, but want to know more, let me know.  Also read Wild at Heart, The Heart of a Warrior, and It’s Your Call.  Three books that will definitely help to orient your heart.

Let this be there of ‘Yes’ with God.

Rooted and Steadfast

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Well here we are, the end of a another year.  Another trip around the sun.  There are so many things to reflect on as I look back on what 2018 had.  I can say that there were so many good things that happened through the course of the year.  I’ve been able to cultivate some deeper and closer relationships in my life, which has been so fruitful.  I’ve learned more and more the deep value of what it means to not go it alone and to have others in your corner; like-hearted men who are moving in the same direction and have to fight through the same crap to get there.

At the same time, with so much of the good, there have also been a number of challenges, not just for me and my family, but for so many around us.  I remember over the summer many of us thinking that there just seemed to be increased suffering and difficulty for many, with losses of loved ones, financial difficulty, job losses, and more. 2018, for many, was certainly a year with added challenges.

At the end of last year, I began a new exercise, that my buddy, Dallas had recommended.  It was very new to me.  This was praying and asking God for a word or words for the coming year.  The word that I continued to receive for 2018 was Intimate.  With the busyness of the prior year, finishing my Masters Degree, etc, I felt God was leading me to a place to seek more time with Him and focus on cultivating a deeper intimacy with Him.  I can see why He gave me this word, because this year brought challenges that at times would try to pull me away from that busyness.  It became a year of learning new practices that would allow me to focus more on time with God through the day-to-day grind.  Once such practice was just being outside everyday.  I moved more of my workouts outside, my prayer time outside, and through my workdays I made it a point to always stopping throughout the day to just step outside.  There was something about the natural environment that just invited His presence.  Just a few weeks ago, I was outside, I could just feel God’s presence overwhelming me, as if to say, “this is what I’ve been after in you.”  Hadn’t felt that kind of embrace since He met me in the mountains in January 2015.

So now, we are moving to 2019.  Again, I revisited this exercise of seeking God for words for the coming year.  It’s wild, because He actually revealed this back in September before I had even asked, but as the year has drawn to a close, it has become more evident.  God’s words for me for 2019 have been to stay “Rooted and Steadfast.”  I remember when He first revealed those words. I was down in Florida, sitting on the shoreline of Santa Rosa Sound at dawn.  As i looked at this tree that was rooted in the salt water, I could hear those words and couldn’t help but smile.

I went back to investigate these words further, though I was pretty sure I knew what they meant.  Rooted means to establish deeply and firmly.  In Scripture, Paul writes in Colossians 2, “Therefore, as you received Christ Jesus, so walk in Him, rooted and built up in him and established in the faith, just as you were taught, abounding in thanksgiving” (emphasis mine).  So for me it was to continue to stay firm in Christ and allowing my roots to continue to grow deeper as the soil of my heart continues to be cultivated. 

Steadfast means to be resolutely firm and unwavering.  Psalm 57:7 says, “My heart is steadfast, O God, my heart is steadfast.”  Proverbs 20:28, “Steadfast love and faithfulness preserve the king, and by steadfast love, his through is upheld” (emphasis mine).  For me here, I see God telling me to not allow things of this world and schemes of the evil one to move my direction.  To keep firm and be unwavering in seeking a deeper life with Him and in and pursuing the mission He has laid before me, living out my calling which is to let the world feel the weightiness of who I am as and image bearer of God, allowing His glory to show through my life which is the glory He has bestowed upon me.

As this year closes out and we ring in the new year, I reflect more on being rooted and steadfast.  Just like being more intimate, it does not stop with just that year.  It is a posture of continued growth so will build into the next year and next and so forth.  I’m excited about what 2019 will be bringing.  There a lot of new things on the horizon, which I will write about soon, but God is certainly moving me and those with me in a direction that we just can’t ignore and its making impacts for His Kingdom.  I think God also gave these words because as we move forward, we may encounter various challenges and opposition, but this is reminder to stay rooted in Him and steadfastly firm in our direction.

So what are your words for 2019? Have you thought to ask God about this.  Take this question to Him.  Simply ask, “God, what words do you have for me for the coming year?”  Don’t force the answer, but just be willing to have your heart open to whatever He may reveal.

I wish you all very happy and blessed New Year.  See you in 2019!!!